Grief changes.

Today, June 21, is ten years since the day my brother died.

This makes no sense to me. But neither does his death make sense at all.

I know that the human brain attempts to make sense out of everything, tries to either decipher a logic within or impose a logic without. I know that human beings find comfort in constructs of all kinds. Even saying "ten years since the day my brother died" brings to mind the fact that the measurement of time itself is a human construct, born of natural cycles but with a system of units and numbers layered on.

There are many constructs applied to the process of grieving. Some are within religious or spiritual traditions, others within cultural practice, and still more from philosophy, from the sciences, from the arts, or even within a specific family or community. But when I look for my own experience in any construct I've ever known, I cannot find it. There are two facts about my grieving the loss of my brother -- it is unique to me, and it changes. Grief changes. And it often changes unpredictably, non-linearly, and without a discernible pattern. Perhaps the changes are in response to how I am changing as the days go by, or in response to outside events and shifts, or both. Either way, change is the only constant. Every emotion is represented, and often an emotion shows up when I expect the opposite.

I listened to an episode of the Hidden Brain podcast today, narrated by Shankar Vedantam, and featuring sociologist Corey Keyes. Dr. Keyes said something that, as I heard it, lit up in neon in my brain: "...emotions were meant to be very time-limited. They weren't meant to endure. Emotions are...like that windsock out there on the landing strip that planes come to land. They are moving gently with every change in the wind, telling us at any moment what is going on and what we might do to adjust or manage in that moment. And then they go away, allowing the next emotion, the next so-called breeze to come and blow the windsock."

Somehow this was exactly what I thinking about grief, and exactly what I needed to hear today. So when you are grieving, and an emotion comes up, let it tell you what is going on, and allow yourself to examine what you might need to do in that moment, whatever helps you manage the emotion. And know that the emotion will change. You may not know how, or when, or why, but it will change. Show up to each emotion and to yourself with kindness, and maybe even acceptance, and see where it takes you.

Miss you, love you, Frank.